Wouldn't know hat to do with another chance, if you gave it to me...

I'm sitting here listening to Fiona apple, pissed off out of my mind.

2 men I considered friends abandonned me this week. Its really been fantastic all around. No, really, I mean it.

I spilled the full story to Angie tonight. Felt good to let it out to a sympathetic ear. I'm still moody and indecisive though. I try to shrug it off like it doesn't matter.

I still feel the sting of rejection. Why isn't my friendship enough for some people? Why does it have to be more? I guess really, the fact that they want more should be flattering, but the fact that they turn down contact at all with me because I won't be 'theirs' is reason enough to walk away with my head high. I won't be someone's property. I can't.

Out of sight out of mind I guess.

I feel full of rage and depression right now.

Why doesn't my happiness matter to my 'friends'?

Big black horse and a Cherry Tree.

You should be stronger than me
You been here 7 years longer than me
Don't you know you're supposed to be the man,
Not pale in comparison to who you think I am,

You always wanna talk it through - I don't care!
I always have to comfort you when I'm there
But that's what I need you to do - stroke my hair!
Cos' I've forgotten all of young love's joy,
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy,'

I love this song. Love love love. I'm sitting here, listening to it. It reminds me so much of my past relationships its scary. Is it bad that I want someone to sweep me off my feet? I guess I shouldn't add fuel to the chauvanistic fire, but neither should I lie to myself about the kind of man I want.

I'm tired of feeling alone.

I managed to get some time off work. Plans for the weekend. I should be smiling.

./sigh

Who the fuck is Alice?

I'm tryng to expand my horizons. Its working fairly well I think.

I'm getting really tired of being that shy, forgettable girl. I have a hard time showing people who I really am because I'm so mortified of rejection.

You know what I realized?

It doesn't fucking matter.

Who cares if so and so doesn't like me? Is the world going to implode? Will the planets stop revolving around the sun? Will mars crash into the earth?

No? So what the fuck have you got to be scared of then?

I'm Bright. I'm pretty cute (I think?) I'm passionate, and mature, and a genuinely good person. It took me 25 years to figure this out, but not a day too late I'm sure. So what does that mean to me? well for starters, I don't have to settle for the crappy relationships I have in the past. I know in my head what kinda guy I want, but in most cases I'll convince myself that particular flaws can be overlooked because of other things.

They can't.

I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. I've known men who cheat. Men who lie. Men who steal. Men who make you love them, and then change their minds. Why do I need a person like that in my life? I'm just starting to build up my self esteem for really, the first time in my life. I'm confident. I'm smiling. I'd rather be on my own and lonely, then laying next to someone and being lonely.

I value everything every one of my relationships has taught me, and I try to walk away with my head held high, but looking back, I put up with a lot of shit because I didn't think I was worth it.

That changes today.

I've been working very hard the last week to push myself out of my shell, and bask in the joy of being content. I'm not all the way there, I still tend to be meek at times, but all in all its going very well. Hell, I even went down to the tattoo parlour last week to get my tattoo priced. I was SO terrified but proud of myself afterwards. I went on my own, before I wouldn't have ever done that. (they'll call me in a week or so when its ready, she had to play with it) Of course, Angie's coming with me to have it done. They didn't build Rome in a day.

I'm reading about buddhism. I like what I'm reading so far.

I guess this is enough for today. I'll make more posts soon.