Friday, December 21, 2007

waxing poetic

I had a lot of time to think on my way home from peterborough today.

Composition of my thoughts:

What is the basis of 'Likes' and 'dislikes'. I hate brussel sprouts, and seafood. Why do I like broccoli? Or Pears? Or peanut butter? Is it biology? I'm not sure. I'm confused by this. Why do I like pink more then red? Or sweet more then sour? what makes me an individual? I'd like to avoid waxing philisophical here. I'm not sao sure its biology, that would lead me to believe that we're more or less the same, and then we wouldn't have such a diversity. so, if its not that, what is it? A soul? what is a soul anyway?

I was discussing past relationships with a friend of mine, and a few came to mind. I really seem to have experienced everything along that spectrum. Abusive relationships, dominant relationships, passive partners. I keep thinking back to white oleander, where Ingrid tells astrid that her lover should be mild, and trembling with a flower for her. Instead, Astrid falls in love with a man, and she is the one trembling.

I think thats how I feel.

I described one relationship in particular where my mate worshipped me. He was the pleaser. He would tremble for me. As I spoke, I realized how much I hate this feeling. my friend said it was interesting that I percieved such behaviour the way I did, almost with contempt. Its true.

I've said it time and time again, I don't want to be a princess. If a man can't treat me as an equal then he isn't worth my time.

I'm trembling.

I've met someone recently and I'm ecstatic.

It feels good to finally meet someone that seems as crazy about me as I am him. I suppose I shouldn't gush too much, but it's good to be happy.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Turn me on

'Like a flower, waiting to bloom.
Like a lightbulb in a dark room.
I'm just sitting here, waiting for you
to come on home, and turn me on.

Like the desert, waiting for the rain
Like a schoolkid, Waiting for the spring
I'm jut sitting here, waiting for you
to come on home, and turn me on.

My poor heart, its so dark
Since you've been gone.
After all, you're the one who turns me off
But you're the only one who can turn me back on

My half eyes are waiting for a new tune
The glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I'm just sitting here, waiting for you
to come on home, and turn me on.'

Norah Jones.

Definately how i'm feeling right now. Its amazing how emotions can reduce a mature woman to a giggling mass of jello. I'm enjoying it definately.

Friday, December 07, 2007

re-examining my roots

'He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar.
the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car, I keep singing
Don't know why I do...'

I think perhaps I'm on the verge of knowing something deeper about myself. It feels good to turn the spotlight inwards and take a step back, I can see the map ahead of me. I see the twists and the turns before they come. But...

Its frightening too.

Can you change your own destiny? Can you alter the course? Can I erase my perhaps, predetermined route, and re-write my own future?

Is just KNOWING enough to change the way I think?

Sometimes I'm not so sure.

Okay. I'm talking in riddles. Lets take a step back.

Self actualization, Buddha said was the path to true happiness. Its not so much what you have, but how you feel about it.

I can preach and harp until my pretty little face turns blue. It doesn't change how I feel. I want to be loved. I don't think thats such a bad thing, but the choices I make in seeking such affection are. the hard part is I don't even think they're concious choices. I mean, if it were an issue of my behaviour I could easily change that right? Not EASILY but it could be changed.

So whats the million dollar question?

Can I chose what I'm attracted to?

There in lies the problem.

I'm attracted to certain types of men. Aggressive men. Dominant men. Passive men hold no key to my heart, I hardly give them a second glance. Passionate men with a 'Joix de vie' are the men that will catch my eye. Like a peacock showing off his fancy colours. However, I take a closer look, and those are the same men who aren't looking for a partner. A bed mate perhaps, but nothing more. So. in the past I've tried 2 solutions to such a quandry. I've stuck around under the false pretense in my head that I could make him love me. I'm worth loving, after all, aren't I? That always backfires in my face. I end up falling in love and he sees me as nothing more then a booty call. He gets tired or bored, or whatever, and moves on, and I'm left picking up the pieces.

Like a house of cards, one breath could shatter the foundation.

Or, second case I walk away with my head held high. I'll not be reduced to being a blowup doll for a man who can't possibly see how fabulous I am. And yet secretly I pine.

That can't be healthy.

What are the alternatives here? I'm way too boy crazy to be a lesbian. I don't want to stop dating altogether, sticking my head in the sand is hardly a solution. Obviously at this point I'm Jaded. I'm tired of thickening my skin so I don't bleed everytime someone so much as brushes past me. But I'm tired of being an island. I want someone to show me that the world isn't so scary. At the same time I do have men reaching out to me, but I'm not attracted too. Should I settle for these types of men? Passive men. Docile. Quiet, patient. Understanding, and weak?

'To make me notice, you started to shout.
Then you and all your minions started flapping your tiny arms all about
They said you were a wiseman, when'd they teach wisemen to pout?

I tried to forget you but you tied bells to your name
They jingled every time I thought of you, without shame
I tried to be unlovable, why couldn't you do the same?

Whats the matter, does your love need a home?
Alright then, Love me, Just leave me alone'

Its valuable to have some insight into myself, but I'm afraid without a picture to compare it too, its like having a one thousand piece puzzle with no idea where to start.