Friday, December 07, 2007

re-examining my roots

'He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar.
the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car, I keep singing
Don't know why I do...'

I think perhaps I'm on the verge of knowing something deeper about myself. It feels good to turn the spotlight inwards and take a step back, I can see the map ahead of me. I see the twists and the turns before they come. But...

Its frightening too.

Can you change your own destiny? Can you alter the course? Can I erase my perhaps, predetermined route, and re-write my own future?

Is just KNOWING enough to change the way I think?

Sometimes I'm not so sure.

Okay. I'm talking in riddles. Lets take a step back.

Self actualization, Buddha said was the path to true happiness. Its not so much what you have, but how you feel about it.

I can preach and harp until my pretty little face turns blue. It doesn't change how I feel. I want to be loved. I don't think thats such a bad thing, but the choices I make in seeking such affection are. the hard part is I don't even think they're concious choices. I mean, if it were an issue of my behaviour I could easily change that right? Not EASILY but it could be changed.

So whats the million dollar question?

Can I chose what I'm attracted to?

There in lies the problem.

I'm attracted to certain types of men. Aggressive men. Dominant men. Passive men hold no key to my heart, I hardly give them a second glance. Passionate men with a 'Joix de vie' are the men that will catch my eye. Like a peacock showing off his fancy colours. However, I take a closer look, and those are the same men who aren't looking for a partner. A bed mate perhaps, but nothing more. So. in the past I've tried 2 solutions to such a quandry. I've stuck around under the false pretense in my head that I could make him love me. I'm worth loving, after all, aren't I? That always backfires in my face. I end up falling in love and he sees me as nothing more then a booty call. He gets tired or bored, or whatever, and moves on, and I'm left picking up the pieces.

Like a house of cards, one breath could shatter the foundation.

Or, second case I walk away with my head held high. I'll not be reduced to being a blowup doll for a man who can't possibly see how fabulous I am. And yet secretly I pine.

That can't be healthy.

What are the alternatives here? I'm way too boy crazy to be a lesbian. I don't want to stop dating altogether, sticking my head in the sand is hardly a solution. Obviously at this point I'm Jaded. I'm tired of thickening my skin so I don't bleed everytime someone so much as brushes past me. But I'm tired of being an island. I want someone to show me that the world isn't so scary. At the same time I do have men reaching out to me, but I'm not attracted too. Should I settle for these types of men? Passive men. Docile. Quiet, patient. Understanding, and weak?

'To make me notice, you started to shout.
Then you and all your minions started flapping your tiny arms all about
They said you were a wiseman, when'd they teach wisemen to pout?

I tried to forget you but you tied bells to your name
They jingled every time I thought of you, without shame
I tried to be unlovable, why couldn't you do the same?

Whats the matter, does your love need a home?
Alright then, Love me, Just leave me alone'

Its valuable to have some insight into myself, but I'm afraid without a picture to compare it too, its like having a one thousand piece puzzle with no idea where to start.

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